found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
