I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
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Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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