I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
