i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
