I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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