i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
