So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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