when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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