I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
