Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My cat gives me a boner
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
