I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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