can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
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Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
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And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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