i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
