even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
