Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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