Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
