he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
