The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
