There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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