I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
