I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
