So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
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I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
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Dicks are not precious.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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