Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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