we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
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I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize