cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
