Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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