but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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