I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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