I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
