I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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