I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
