The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
