bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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