WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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