We named our party play list daddy issues
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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