his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
