I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
