so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
