nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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