I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No subtext here. People are naked.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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