In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
