I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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