I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
