Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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