At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
