1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
