A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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