there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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