conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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