I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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