i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
