Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she told me i tasted like america
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
