So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
