You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
