my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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