I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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