I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
