ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
