i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
