when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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