I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
