I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
